Ogres Are Like Onions

Any man whose 1st and 2nd favorite movies are Shrek 1 and Shrek 2 will never be a good match for me.

I Picked a Good One!

Picking your nose on a date is a deal breaker. Need I say more?

The Couple That Shops Together...

Guest Blogger!

Here is a recent Tinder conversation from our guest blogger and someone who really knows how to woo the ladies. Enjoy!

Workin at the Carwash

Online dating is fun. You get to meet all sorts of interesting people. One of the dates I got from online dating ended up being one of these people. We met for our first date and ate at a decently nice restaurant (it was no Subway, but I won't judge). The thing that stood out the most for me was how sloppy of an eater this guy was! I was shocked at how much food wasn't making it off the table. He was also rather bad at conversation. Aside from that there wasn't really anything too bad about this guy so I said yes to a second date. I figure that first dates can be hard so if there are no deal breakaz on date one I should give the guy a second chance.

Date two was slightly more interesting. He picked me up this time. His car was filthy on the outside and icky on the inside. The inside mostly had food wrappers and drink spills, nothing too out of the ordinary. His daughter's car seat and several of her toys were also in the car even though he only saw her about every six months. I think he picked up on the messy car thing, because on our way to get ice cream we stopped at a gas station to clean off the windshield.

I am amazed that he was able to get to my house with the amount of gunk that was on the windshield, but he managed it somehow and found that the beginning of the date was the right time to clean it off. He tried using the squeegee but only the sponge part was attached and the squeegee part was missing. I watched him try to figure out what to do for a few seconds before offering my help. He refused, saying he would figure it out himself. He then decided to dip a paper towel in the cleaning fluid and try to wipe clean his windshield. One square inch at a time. I suggested that he use the sponge and his windshield wipers to do the job, and after a few more tedious minutes he took me up on that idea.

As it turns out, this man is an incredibly messy eater. He got ice cream all over himself and the table that evening. The date was equally as boring as the first, and when he called for a third date I politely turned him down. After I had explained that I wasn't interested, he asked me why and what he could do to change himself. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he needs to stop being so messy, so I made sure to reassure him that there is a lovely girl out there for him but it just wasn't me.

Every Rose Has It's Thorn

I am not the world's suavest dater. This is evidenced best by a story from when I was 16 years old. I was at a church activity that ended with a dance. During the activity I had spent a lot of time with a boy I had met a few weeks earlier. We flirted a bit and enjoyed getting to know one another a bit better. As the evening was drawing to a close, he asked me to come with him to the chapel of the church where this event was being held. We walked up to a spot in the chapel where he bent down to pick up the roses he had brought me. My little 16 year-old brain was frantically trying to think of what I should do at this point. The solution that came to mind was to give him a high-five. Yep, a boy gave me roses and I gave him a high-five. Thus ended my relationship with rose boy.

It's Just Like Chernobyl!

I went out recently with a guy who gets pretty into conspiracy theories. On date one we talked about how he doubts whether or not 9/11 was a terrorist attack or an inside job, along with whether or not school shootings have really happened or if they were staged by the government to help enforce stronger gun control laws. I disagreed with him but thought I'd still give him a chance because he's a nice guy. The next date was conspiracy-free, but date 3 was a doozy. A small town near where we live came up in general conversation with ourselves and some of his friends. He joined in the conversation at this point to say, "That city has a nuclear plant in it. They also dump tons of nuclear waste out there. That's why everyone is so dumb. It's the effects of the radiation. I bet there are more people out there with cancer too. One time, I think my mom's family lived in a city where there was radiation and two of her siblings got cancer during their lives. That city is totally inhabitable (yes, that's a direct quote). It's inhabitable like Chernobyl because of all the radiation."

I let him talk for a while, considering whether or not I should come clean about my connections to that city. I decided to jump in after a few minutes to tell him that the city in question was where my grandparents live, where my mother was raised, and where I worked for the last three years. There's no nuclear plant. The cancer ratio is no higher than any other community I've lived in. After trying to kindly say these things he still maintains that it's just like Chernobyl!

Let's Get Down to Business...

GUEST BLOGGER!! My friend described this as her "most efficient date ever". I'd most definitely have to agree!

Here's the story:

I was at lunch with some friends when I matched with a cute guy on tinder. Innocent little trusting me  showed them his picture and then put my phone down unguarded while I went to grab something. 

When I came back this was on my screen: 

Me: Heyyyyyyy I like sushi <heart eyes emoji> <heart eyes emoji> Wanna take me out? 

Him: Sure, but you don't want talk first? 

Matchmaking and low level hacking all in one. 

But he was cute ... and I do like sushi so I decided to go with it. I let him know my friends had meddled a little, but I would be up for going out if he was. He asked me if I was free and I told him Mondays and Wednesdays were best for me, but this Wednesday I was busy. 

Of course after I sent this I realized today was Monday. So I was telling him if he should take me out and he should take me out TONIGHT. Oops.

We decided to meet up. He proposed drinks, only I don't drink. He countered with watching reruns of a popular TV show at his condo. I countered with stranger danger  -- First meetings with online dates must happen in public locations for me. At this point I sensed some rockiness ahead and also offered him a subtle out. But he understood my apprehension and suggested dessert instead. 

What proceeded turned out to be the most efficient date of my life. 

8:00: Meet at restaurant, exchange hellos and get seated

8:05: Discuss menu and order cheesecake to share. 

8:06: 

Me: What do you like to do?

Him: Go to bars with my friends mostly

<This is the part where you remember I don't drink>

Me: Well I've been to a few places that also do shows. Do you follow any music that plays around here? 

Him: <polite non-interest>

Him: I'm in finance. 

Me: <polite non-interest>

Me: I was an English major. 

Him: <polite non-interest>

Him: I spend a lot of time at the gym.

Me: <polite non-interest>

Now take any number of topics and repeat. We were both nice, cute people with absolutely nothing in common. 

8:15: Check please. 

8:20: Hug and give our goodbyes. 

8:21: He promises to call me.

8:21:01: The last time I ever see or hear from him again. 

It could have been much worse. We weren't meant for each other, but we figured that out quickly and nicely over cheesecake. I'll take that over 3 days of messaging and trying to deciphering text messages any day. 

May we both find true love and never call each other again.