Workin at the Carwash

Online dating is fun. You get to meet all sorts of interesting people. One of the dates I got from online dating ended up being one of these people. We met for our first date and ate at a decently nice restaurant (it was no Subway, but I won't judge). The thing that stood out the most for me was how sloppy of an eater this guy was! I was shocked at how much food wasn't making it off the table. He was also rather bad at conversation. Aside from that there wasn't really anything too bad about this guy so I said yes to a second date. I figure that first dates can be hard so if there are no deal breakaz on date one I should give the guy a second chance.

Date two was slightly more interesting. He picked me up this time. His car was filthy on the outside and icky on the inside. The inside mostly had food wrappers and drink spills, nothing too out of the ordinary. His daughter's car seat and several of her toys were also in the car even though he only saw her about every six months. I think he picked up on the messy car thing, because on our way to get ice cream we stopped at a gas station to clean off the windshield.

I am amazed that he was able to get to my house with the amount of gunk that was on the windshield, but he managed it somehow and found that the beginning of the date was the right time to clean it off. He tried using the squeegee but only the sponge part was attached and the squeegee part was missing. I watched him try to figure out what to do for a few seconds before offering my help. He refused, saying he would figure it out himself. He then decided to dip a paper towel in the cleaning fluid and try to wipe clean his windshield. One square inch at a time. I suggested that he use the sponge and his windshield wipers to do the job, and after a few more tedious minutes he took me up on that idea.

As it turns out, this man is an incredibly messy eater. He got ice cream all over himself and the table that evening. The date was equally as boring as the first, and when he called for a third date I politely turned him down. After I had explained that I wasn't interested, he asked me why and what he could do to change himself. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he needs to stop being so messy, so I made sure to reassure him that there is a lovely girl out there for him but it just wasn't me.

Every Rose Has It's Thorn

I am not the world's suavest dater. This is evidenced best by a story from when I was 16 years old. I was at a church activity that ended with a dance. During the activity I had spent a lot of time with a boy I had met a few weeks earlier. We flirted a bit and enjoyed getting to know one another a bit better. As the evening was drawing to a close, he asked me to come with him to the chapel of the church where this event was being held. We walked up to a spot in the chapel where he bent down to pick up the roses he had brought me. My little 16 year-old brain was frantically trying to think of what I should do at this point. The solution that came to mind was to give him a high-five. Yep, a boy gave me roses and I gave him a high-five. Thus ended my relationship with rose boy.

It's Just Like Chernobyl!

I went out recently with a guy who gets pretty into conspiracy theories. On date one we talked about how he doubts whether or not 9/11 was a terrorist attack or an inside job, along with whether or not school shootings have really happened or if they were staged by the government to help enforce stronger gun control laws. I disagreed with him but thought I'd still give him a chance because he's a nice guy. The next date was conspiracy-free, but date 3 was a doozy. A small town near where we live came up in general conversation with ourselves and some of his friends. He joined in the conversation at this point to say, "That city has a nuclear plant in it. They also dump tons of nuclear waste out there. That's why everyone is so dumb. It's the effects of the radiation. I bet there are more people out there with cancer too. One time, I think my mom's family lived in a city where there was radiation and two of her siblings got cancer during their lives. That city is totally inhabitable (yes, that's a direct quote). It's inhabitable like Chernobyl because of all the radiation."

I let him talk for a while, considering whether or not I should come clean about my connections to that city. I decided to jump in after a few minutes to tell him that the city in question was where my grandparents live, where my mother was raised, and where I worked for the last three years. There's no nuclear plant. The cancer ratio is no higher than any other community I've lived in. After trying to kindly say these things he still maintains that it's just like Chernobyl!

Let's Get Down to Business...

GUEST BLOGGER!! My friend described this as her "most efficient date ever". I'd most definitely have to agree!

Here's the story:

I was at lunch with some friends when I matched with a cute guy on tinder. Innocent little trusting me  showed them his picture and then put my phone down unguarded while I went to grab something. 

When I came back this was on my screen: 

Me: Heyyyyyyy I like sushi <heart eyes emoji> <heart eyes emoji> Wanna take me out? 

Him: Sure, but you don't want talk first? 

Matchmaking and low level hacking all in one. 

But he was cute ... and I do like sushi so I decided to go with it. I let him know my friends had meddled a little, but I would be up for going out if he was. He asked me if I was free and I told him Mondays and Wednesdays were best for me, but this Wednesday I was busy. 

Of course after I sent this I realized today was Monday. So I was telling him if he should take me out and he should take me out TONIGHT. Oops.

We decided to meet up. He proposed drinks, only I don't drink. He countered with watching reruns of a popular TV show at his condo. I countered with stranger danger  -- First meetings with online dates must happen in public locations for me. At this point I sensed some rockiness ahead and also offered him a subtle out. But he understood my apprehension and suggested dessert instead. 

What proceeded turned out to be the most efficient date of my life. 

8:00: Meet at restaurant, exchange hellos and get seated

8:05: Discuss menu and order cheesecake to share. 

8:06: 

Me: What do you like to do?

Him: Go to bars with my friends mostly

<This is the part where you remember I don't drink>

Me: Well I've been to a few places that also do shows. Do you follow any music that plays around here? 

Him: <polite non-interest>

Him: I'm in finance. 

Me: <polite non-interest>

Me: I was an English major. 

Him: <polite non-interest>

Him: I spend a lot of time at the gym.

Me: <polite non-interest>

Now take any number of topics and repeat. We were both nice, cute people with absolutely nothing in common. 

8:15: Check please. 

8:20: Hug and give our goodbyes. 

8:21: He promises to call me.

8:21:01: The last time I ever see or hear from him again. 

It could have been much worse. We weren't meant for each other, but we figured that out quickly and nicely over cheesecake. I'll take that over 3 days of messaging and trying to deciphering text messages any day. 

May we both find true love and never call each other again. 

Bloom Where You're Planted

One evening, as a 19-year-old college student, I met a guy. We spoke very briefly, he asked me for my number, then shortly thereafter called to ask me on a date. He picked me up and we went back to his house, where we made dinner. While on the date I found out that he was 28. He knew I was 19 when he asked me out. That's a little more of an age gap than I'm comfortable with. After dinner we re-potted his aloe vera plants. He had a lot of aloe vera plants.

Why Did I Have to Keep Telling the Truth?!

Guest Blogger!
It's not a date, but definitely one for the books.

My roommate came home from work for lunch. On her way out of the parking lot she saw a short man running towards the building she works in. Upon arrival back at work, this man approached her. Walking up to her desk he initiated a lengthy conversation.

He asked her a variety of strange questions, ranging from what her job was to whether or not she served a mission. She did not serve a mission, but he proceeded to ask her about her affiliation with the LDS church. He asked her how many children she had, she responded that she isn't married. He then asked her if she had a boyfriend and "like an idiot, I said no." He asked her how long it has been since she's had a boyfriend, "again, like an idiot, I answered honestly. It had been years." He was shocked.

He asked her if she saw him running earlier, which she had. He proceeded to tell her that he doesn't forget someone that beautiful, he came by several months earlier but was too shy to talk to her then. He told her she looks like someone he knew who is really beautiful, he told her he doesn't forget a beautiful face. He asked where she was from, she returned the question, he's from Peru. He took her business card and told her he said he was going to call, acted like he was going to call her then leave. Unfortunately, he didn't leave. He proceeded to ask about her brothers and sisters, and if they served missions. Her brother went to Paraguay, he said he hoped they could speak Spanish together sometime. At this point she emailed her office neighbor asking her to call her to call because this guy kept talking to her. She was sitting there sweating trying to get out of it.

He then asked what her undergrad major was, which she told him was public relations. His response was, "Oh that's really good, you know why? (huge smile) Because you're really beautiful and you need to be really beautiful to be in public relations." He then asked how many children she wanted, 12? 5? 12? She wasn't answering his questions anymore, simply answering with "I don't know." At this point she decided to fake deliver something, picked up a piece of paper. When she walked around her desk, he gushed about how nice it was to meet her. He said he was so grateful to meet her finally. He shook her hand and bowed while shaking. She walked away and locked herself in her boss's office for 10 minutes. When she came out he was down the hall and luckily he continued to walk down the hall then downstairs.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

I've mentioned before that I am trying online dating. I have been honestly surprised this week at the lack of viable options on the two dating sites I am trying. Here are some examples of things some men think are a good idea to post as their profile picture. Any takers?

Them's Fightin Words

I went on a date with a guy I met online. I'm typically hesitant to do this because you never really know anything about your date until after you're there and for all you know, they could be a psycho. Luckily this guy wasn't a psycho. Not really. We ended up meeting at an IHOP for breakfast. He had to go to his Scottish dance class afterwards. Interesting, but not a deal-breaker. The date got really interesting when he told me he had been homeschooled. I have very little against being homeschooled or wanting to homeschool your children, except for the fact that I'm a public school teacher and I'm very invested in the work I do. I told him I think homeschooling is great as long as you know what you're doing and why you're doing it, which I honestly feel to be true. He proceeded to explain to me why public schools are corrupt and how they are brainwashing today's children, along with the ways in which public schools are failing in their efforts to educate children. I tried to remain calm as I explained the improvements in public education that I have seen and taken part in, along with trying to clarify some misconceptions he seems to have about public schooling. He wouldn't have it though. He felt he was right and is clearly convinced that public schools are bad. I cut that conversation short and shortly thereafter ended the date. I wonder why he hasn't called back?

A Classy Restaurant for a Classy Lady

I was asked on a date recently by a bold young man. He was very persistent in asking me out, I even tried to walk away several times but to no avail. Reluctantly I consented to a date. This guy was nice enough, but a little obnoxious and I knew soon after meeting him that it wouldn't be likely to go anywhere. My feelings were affirmed when later that week we were deciding where to meet and he said, "There's a nice Subway at..." A NICE Subway? The Subway in question just so happened to be in a strip mall near a downtown park that is known for homeless people and drug sales. That's what I'd call a classy eating establishment.

Once, Twice, Three Times a Break Up

I met this great guy who asked me out shortly after we were introduced. We ended up going out a few times, all of which were really fun. Then one day I called him to ask him out on a date, figuring we were to that point in our relationship. Well, when I called he dumped me. Too bad. I was sad but had recovered by the next morning. Four days later I got a text from him asking if he could come talk. He drove over super late to come and talk. As it turns out he had wanted to apologize for dumping me. I didn't think that's what people did in these situations. He didn't want to date again, he just wanted to say he was sorry. Glad we could cover AGAIN the fact that he doesn't want to date me. Real cool, man, real cool.

You've Got Mail

My sister had some friends who were telling her about this great single guy who they wanted to set up with someone nice. Since my sister is a thoughtful person, she mentioned me. She gave these friends my email, who gave it to this guy. When he emailed me I remembered that we had once worked together! We were able to make some fun connections and seemed to have plenty to talk about. We ended up emailing back and forth every few days for a few weeks. When I went back and looked, there were 16 emails total, definitely nothing serious. Then, one day I got an email from him. It took me a few minutes to realize that he was email breaking up with me. What?! Apparently he had taken the whole situation much more seriously than I had. I honestly wouldn't have cared if he had just never responded. Instead, he went through the pain of writing an emotive letter explaining how he felt. After being baffled that he had taken the time to do this, I had a good laugh, told him not to worry about it, and haven't heard from him since. Just for fun I thought I'd include some excerpts from his "break up" email. Enjoy!

"For the past couple weeks, I've been just struggling here, not knowing exactly what I've been feeling... I think each time I begin a letter back as of late, I'm just not feeling that this is the right direction for me.

I honestly can't explain except for I think I just know how things feel when there is a deep enough connection happening to continue forward and that I guess I have just been feeling that less and less... in the past I have taken relationships too far, when I've had that type of feeling towards the beginning, and I feel like the pain that resulted really could have been avoided.

I guess by now, I just know the way I'm feeling enough to realize that I probably shouldn't continue this, even though I haven't wanted to fully believe or trust myself on it, I feel like I really should, as a service to both us."

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

Guest blogger! My friend was on a date that was going quite well. Towards the end of the date they drove through a fast food place to grab some food. As her date went to pay for the food he grabbed some change with one hand, and grabbed his wallet with the other. As he began to realize that he couldn't successfully pass the cash to the drive through window without putting the change somewhere, my friend described the process he appeared to go through. He thought of putting it in his lap, but realized that might result in him losing some coins. He tried to find another place to put the change down, then decided to use the next best thing. He put the coins in his mouth. That's when she knew things wouldn't work. When she tried to call him out on putting money in his mouth he denied it. Never change, pal.

Guest Bloggers

Feel free to comment or send emails if you'd like your deal breakaz to be shared. Email stories to dealbreakaz@gmail.com.

Ways to Attract the Opposite Gender

I worked at a candy store during college. This job enabled me to meet a large variety of people, including single men. There weren't a large selection of eligible bachelors aimlessly wandering into a candy store in the mall, but the ones who came in made for an interesting job. One day, a nice looking guy came in, browsed the candy for a while, then approached the counter. We talked for a bit and he kept his comments to sarcastic half-truths. He told me he wanted to give my number to his friend, so I gave him my information. A few days later this boy contacted me letting me know that the phone number was for him, not his friend. Obviously. After a long day at work, we met for a date and his honesty continued to dazzle me. He mentioned that he ran away from home at 14, and we later ran into his sister at the movie theater. This is when things started to get good. During the movie I suppose he had made up his mind about not asking me out again. After a few failed attempts at making moves on me he told me the movie was boring so he thought he'd at least try to get some action. Clearly he's a gentleman. After the movie, he decided to get something to eat. We went to a drive through and he ordered himself some food. There were no offers to get me anything, so I didn't bother trying to order. Inconsequentially, I had worn my hair back that day. While he was driving away from the drive through, he asked, "Did you wear your hair like that to make yourself look less attractive?" This, luckily, was the one statement from the night where I knew he was being honest. I had no response to this but I was able to get him to take me home around this point. I then proceeded to tell this date story to everyone I knew.

Blink 182 Was Wrong About First Dates

My very first date was when I was 16. My neighbor asked me to be his date to the Homecoming Dance. We arranged to double with one of my friends and her date. The date began with dinner at a decently nice restaurant in town. Dinner was nice, conversation kept moving reasonably, then it came time to pay for dinner. My date paid for our meals with cash. The other boy went to pull out his wallet and realized he hadn't brought it with him. My date was out of money so I ended up paying for the other couple's meal. He never did get around to paying me back for that.

Deal Breakaz

I'm single. I'm 27. I have people that genuinely care about me and want to see me happily married someday. These factors combined provide a variety of interesting dating opportunities for me. The goal of this blog is to chronicle my dating adventures. In each post I will share one or two of my favorite dating disaster stories. Feel free to comment with other great stories!